Harry Potter and the Chamber of Bad Decisions

•October 20, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Hey, hey Browns fans! Today we play Green Bay and I couldn’t be more excited to hear over and over how the Browns passed on Aaron Rodgers in 2005 for this guy.

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Even with these enormous headphones on, I can only hear the ocean.

Yep, Braylon “Frying Pan Hands” Edwards or Braylon “No I’m not gay so I grew this beard” Edwards. Take your pick, he sucks with any moniker.

We continue to live with the Braylon curse as long as Greg Little stays on the roster. Let me tell you, two frying pan hand wrongs don’t make a right. Same goes with that damn Skittle commercial with the two gingers kissing; gingers can’t cancel out each other and make it ok. I do not want to taste that red-headed rainbow, please stop it.

Speaking of gingers, I am also reeling with anticipation to see what Benjamin Buttons does this week (or I guess I should say what does NOT do). Dude is such a train wreck I can’t stand it! Again, another poor bad choice by the franchise by taking Buttons over Russell Wilson. Maybe he’ll surprise me today but it’s usually a bad surprise, like seeing a video of Mark Sanchez dancing and dropping his drawers. You’re intrigued at first, can’t look away but it always ends with shocking disappointment.

However, the brilliant acquisition of Charles Johnson might overshadow these two picks this week.

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I have cool tats, I used to be able to run fast. Please keep me.

Signing a player with a torn ACL to replace a player with a torn ACL was nothing but Cleveland luck at its finest. Once again we’re the laughing stock of the NFL because really, where else does shit like this happen? We can’t catch a break. Since he was on the practice squad with Green Bay, the Browns couldn’t get a physical before signing him so no one had a clue. Even better, we’re now stuck with this dead weight for another 2 weeks in order to have 53 players on the roster.

Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, a story comes out that Harry Potter aka Daniel Radcliffe is a big fan of my beloved Keke and even named his fantasy football team “Barkevious Mingo’s Mum.” Let me start by saying I may be the only person on this planet that did not read any Harry Potter books nor have I seen the movies. I’m sorry but I can’t stand Harry Potter! I’d love to take his little cape and wrap it around his neck so I never have to hear about this little wizard ever again. And didn’t he have some ginger sidekick? Enough said. Anyways, the Brit actor who portrayed him had this to say about Bark and the Browns:

“Um, my team name is Barkevious Mingo’s Mum. I just think Barkevious Mingo is the greatest name I’ve ever heard, and the fact that his mum invented that name is also amazing. And in that league I have the Cleveland defense as well, and they had an amazing game the other day against Buffalo, so I’m incredibly grateful to the Cleveland defense, Barkevious Mingo and his mother.”

Seriously?! Listen Harry Potter, there is only room for one stalker on Mingo Island and it’s ME. I’ve been on the Barkevious bandwagon since April and named my fantasy team “Mingo Ate Your Baby” so why don’t you get on your broom and buzz off. I don’t care if Bark is a fan or not, I have boobs and therefore I WIN.

GO BROWNS!!

xoxo Merivious Mingo is going to beat Harry Potter’s dingo

Second Chances

•October 4, 2013 • 1 Comment

I’ll admit it, I had a complete T-Rich tantrum after “The Trade” and lost my marbles. I swore my allegiance to the Saints on all social media outlets, praised Breesus and closed up shop on the Browns. I broke up with my beloved team for the 1000000th time and emphatically stated, “This is it! I AM DONE!!”

Famous last words.

Then Sunday rolled around. I was watching NOLA play and wearing my Saints/Brees shirt, trying to convince myself I didn’t care how the Browns were doing; not flipping channels, not looking at my phone, nada. They were dead to me and I was finally moving on from this abusive relationship. “I’m rolling with Super Bowl champions now, Cleveland who?!” I chuckled.  But like with all bad breakups, you can’t help but wonder how miserable your jerk of an ex is doing. I needed to have that I knew I was too good for you, scumbag type of feeling in my mind and heart. Maybe just a little peek to confirm I was right? I was under a strict, NFL ticket supervision after my meltdown but I grabbed my iPad and snuck outside of watchful eyes to see what was going on. Needless to say, I was shocked. Backup QB #3 Hoyer, born and raised in Cleveland Ohio, was waking up an offense that had been in a vegetative state for years. He looked poised, confident and leading the team to an unknown territory for the Browns, the End Zone. Sure he had 5 interceptions and all but hell! I haven’t seen anyone get this team down the field with strategic, offensive drives like that for a very long time.

I sat in silence, completely furious with myself. I cursed the front office for trading Trent after two games, accusing them of giving up but how was I any different from those no talent ass clowns? Hello pot, meet kettle!  After 39 years of a torturous relationship, I abandoned my true love over a trade involving my favorite player that I didn’t agree with; with every touchdown or field goal, they were showing that life could go on after Trent. No one was rolling over and playing dead as I suspected. I looked down at my Brees shirt and thought about his career for a minute, specifically how San Diego gave up on him for Philip f’ing Rivers (seriously, who does that). After his shoulder injury and subsequent surgery, he was deemed too much of a risk and his potential suitors bailed on him. Drew thought his career was over until Sean Payton and the Saints called.

On any given Sunday, Drew’s second chance turned into NFL history:

  • NFL All-time single season passing yard leader (5,476)
  • NFL All-time highest completion percentage in a season (71.2%)
  • Fastest ever to reach 40,000 yards passing in NFL history
  • NFL record for most consecutive games with a passing Touchdown (54)
  • New Orleans Saints All-time leader (Career Wins, Passing Touchdowns, Pass Attempts, Pass Completions and Passing Yards)

During my Trent tirade, I think Brees helped me see the light. You can’t turn your back on someone because of the unknown; we’re all deserving of second chances and what’s lying beneath the surface could be amazing. I couldn’t give up on the Browns now, I’ve given them a million chances and really, what difference will a million and one make at this point?! I kept my “Coming to Breesus” moment to myself because I wanted to see what would happen next; maybe this win was just a fluke after the Trent backlash and I made the right decision turning my back, they were in Operation: Tanking for Teddy mode. I needed to be proven wrong.

I went to the game last week and being downtown Cleveland was electrifying. The Tribe post-season chase and the Browns win last week over Minnesota brought a positive vibe back into the city I haven’t felt since the late 90′s. It was awesome! I was with my family, met good friends I rarely get to see and the only thing that could have made the day more perfect was Mr. T riding by on a unicorn. I sat in the Dawg Pound and took it all in: the roaring crowd of drunken misfits, barking like maniacs; high fives flying like they were just invented yesterday and the most hilarious anti-Ginger rants towards Dalton that I bear not repeat. My own voice was hoarse from cheering and yelling during the entire game, albeit most of my screams were sexual innuendos directed at Cameron and Mingo. ME-OW.

All of it made me fall in love with this f’ed up city again. And the Browns won.

After the game, I met up with more friends for celebratory drinks and mayhem. First random encounter of the night, Michael Brantley. He was checking into the Hyatt when we wandered down to the hotel bar for drinks, politely declining our offer to buy him shots. Lame! Next up, a run in with Paul Kruger. A friend was like “Hey Paul, wanted to introduce you to someone” then leaves. WTF? So I’m standing there dumbfounded as my friend just ran off, leaving me speechless with Kruger the Giant in my sparkly Browns shirt. Best way to describe my moment would be a mute, bedazzled deer in a headlight; just awful. I finally stammered something like great game, nice to meet you but probably when I slurred my words out, it sounded more like “Mice eat you?”

Awk. Ward.

The final random moment of the night was the epitome of saving the best for last: meeting Eric Metcalf. One of my favorite Browns players of ALL TIME completely redeemed me after my mishap on Kruger Island. He put up with my peppering of random questions and statements (which I’m not even sure what I said, vaguely remember giggling something about “Metcalf up the Middle” and wanting to put him in my pocket), kindly took a picture with me and upon leaving his table said, “Thank you for being a fan. It means a lot.” At that moment, my devotion to Cleveland came full circle: that was exactly what I needed to hear for all the years of blood, sweat and tears for my loyalty, one player who I worshiped to simply say thank you.

With two clicks of my heels, I opened my eyes and I was home: Believeland. Thank you to Breesus, Metcalf, my family and friends for bringing me back where I belong.

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GO BROWNS!

xoxo Mervious It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month touch my ta-tas Keke Mingo Dingo!

DNR: Cleveland Browns

•September 18, 2013 • 1 Comment

Full moons always bring the crazies, it’s a fact. Present company is NOT excluded and I had no idea how much my world would be turned upside down by this lunar moment:Image

I’m chatting on the phone with my mom, so excited to come home next week to see the Browns and Bengals game with my Dad and brothers. I have been looking forward to this for months! When I lived in Cleveland, every year we would all go to an Indians game for Father’s Day but when I moved down south, we opted to make this our ritual outing. I couldn’t wait!

Well, until this year when my iPad blinked and I blacked out.

My NFL mobile app flashed breaking news and I gasped. The Browns traded Trent to the Colts and pretty sure this is when my out of body experience started. I hung up on my mom, thought the app was just the result of a gazillion people downloading IOS 7 so this had to be completely screwed up or even hacked to mess with Browns fans. I ran to my computer and checked Twitter, my heart in my throat after seeing more and more posts about him leaving. Finally it was confirmed: after only TWO GAMES into the season, they were giving up our best player for a 2014 first round draft pick from the Colts. Hold the mother f’ing phone, say WHAT?! The COLTS. Like they are going to be awful when Andrew Luck is blowing up my fantasy football bench because I can’t swap out Drew Brees due to a matter of principle. Who was the jackass behind this move?! I was starting to lose consciousness.

My dad called a few minutes later to see if I had broken anything (or anyone) in my house. After assuring him I wasn’t in an ambulance with a straight jacket on, I cracked and the tears started to flow. I said, “Dad, I don’t get it. I don’t even want to go to the game, we are already giving up on this season and it’s just pathetic.” And just like all great fathers do, he told me it was going to be ok. We didn’t have to go to the game if I didn’t want to and could spend the day doing whatever. The most important thing was that we would all be together and that’s what counted the most. And I cried even harder.

It dawned on me that maybe this is why I love the Browns so much … because of my father. It wasn’t just about football, it was about being together as a family every week. Win or lose, every Sunday we were huddled around the TV as one “team” and that’s what counts in life. We supported each other by either high fiving or passing the Kleenex. Even if I was the baby in the family and the only girl, my father didn’t treat me any different. He raised me to be strong, independent, stand up for what I believe in and always trust that when all else fails, your family will be there to catch you so you won’t fall. Unfortunately my Browns “family” is a high-flying circus act without a safety net and I’ve fallen, so very hard.

Cleveland is a family, albeit a very dysfuctional one. We love and hate in the same breath but we always have hope. Trading Trent shows me nothing but we’re accepting failure and once again, waiting until next year. I put myself on a 5150 hold because I was freaking the hell out because really, who does shit like this after the 2nd game?! Lombardi was in bed with Modell yet we brought him back. How many times do we have to recycle these people until we learn that sometimes business and the NFL get along as well as Ike and Tina Turner? After getting your face used as a punching bag, getting flowers and hearing “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean a damn thing.

I didn’t post any commentary about the first two games because it would have been swear words in every language on this planet. Sadly, I was very hopeful about this team. My heart beat started off strong, but slipped to a dim murmur after the home opener and by last week, I was on shallow breath. Today I have officially flat-lined and the orders are DNR.

I denounced Cleveland, took a selfie in a Saints shirt and flipped the bird to Haslam, Lombardi, Banner and Chud. No kidding, I’m a lover scorned. And I will say this: Browns fans, it’s time for you bitches to MAN UP and make a change, once and for all. We need to stand up for what we believe in and NOT PUT UP WITH ANOTHER YEAR OF REBUILDING BECAUSE WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!!!!!!

Browns front office: Time is running out, the DNR has been signed and they are about to pull the plug. So is this your last breath? Please don’t make it be ours.

And you know why? Because my dad says so!!!!

xoxo Merivious with a Broken Heart Mingo :(

Believeland: Happiest Place on Earth?

•September 6, 2013 • Leave a Comment

You know that feeling when you’re on the Mad Tea Party ride at Disney for too long? I’ll share my description: Overwhelming nausea, carousel music drowning your screams, extremely happy adults wearing Mickey Mouse ears zooming by and you just want to either throw up or black out. Really, how in the hell can they call Disney “the happiest place on earth” when all I want to do is throw myself in front of a trolly going 5 mph because A, there is NO booze in the Magical Kingdom and B, people are not that happy without some severe medication.

Anyways, spinning wildy in a tea cup while losing my shit is exactly how I feel about the start of the Browns season. I’m 50 shades of Disney sickness and here’s why:

  • My baby dingo Mingo has been ruled out of starting on Sunday and no one really knows when he’s going to be able to play. His bruised lung remains an unsolved mystery along with the Browns’ pass rush, which has been a cold case since 1999.
  • Ahtyba Rubin is questionable with a calf injury. (Did he walk and hurt himself?)
  • Buster Skrine is questionable (that was always a given) with an injured shoulder
  • Davone Bess is probable (And now a story comes out that he left the Dolphins with a broken back and not because of financial reasons)
  • Desmond Bryant has decided to stay sober and keep his shirt on but his back injury (spasms) has him as probable
  • Gordon likes sizzurp/purple drank and is out for 2 games
  • Greg Little likes to wrap his Audi around trees instead of his hands on a football so I render him probable on my own report
  • Pre-season injury disasters: Pinkston, sprained right ankle (Injured-Reserve (DFR); Bogotay, undisclosed (IR); Lewis, fibula (IR); Hardesty, knee (IR)
  • T-Rich is our ONLY power running back standing. Once again our success relies on a single player, which is a recipe for disaster considering his knee problems. I love Trent with all my crazy Cleveland/Alabama soul but he’s not bionic nor my baby daddy but that’s a story for another day.
  • The Ginger Factor: Will Weeden throw accurately or hit some poor bystander in the face, kinda like the Colts backup QB Chandler Harnish did to Pam Oliver. Honestly, Pam is one of the few chick sideline reporters I can actually stand and felt bad after seeing this:

Pam obviously didn’t have her football fairy Godmother looking over her that day. And speaking of, where is mine? I knew when I saw her in Orlando she wasn’t real and maybe she had on too much red lipstick on but beggars can’t be choosers with this mess. Bippity-boppity-mother F! Get that wand out and fix this broken team!

I do realize that Believeland may be the saddest place on earth for a Cleveland Browns fan but here I am again, jumping in the ride with both feet. Even knowing all the consequences, I’m grabbing that wheel and giving it all I’ve got because you know what? After the nausea, carousel music, screaming and weird people, there’s something that makes me smile about the craziness of it all and I kinda like it.

We all can dream, can’t we?

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GO BROWNS!

xoxo Merivious

Danger Will Robbinson!

•August 25, 2013 • Leave a Comment

The ghost of Pat Shurmur was alive and well in Indianapolis last night. BOO!

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My eyes! Oh the horror!

One field goal, six failed drives resulting in zero, nada, goose egg touchdowns against a 2nd (possibly 3rd) defensive unit from the Colts. Weeden was a train wreck and Greg Little went back to his frying pan hands, dropping balls and fumbling on crucial plays. “I can’t put my finger on it,” Weeden said. “We just didn’t play as well as we could’ve have or should have.”

I can put my finger on it, you hot mess Ginger! Firstly, it’s could have, not could’ve have. I’m not sure where the bad grammar lies on this one, Weeden or the Plain Dealer but annoying nonetheless. Secondly, the “Curse of the Cleveland Starting QB” is in full force. The minute a QB is doing well, they name him the starter and he just tanks; see Tim Couch, Jeff Garcia, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn. And yes, that’s pretty much every starting QB since the Browns came back to Cleveland in 1999.

I do not understand why this organization is so unbelievably tragic. We’ve gone through several coaches, coordinators, offensive and defensive styles to no avail. This team continually falls back into bad habits and I don’t know what it’s going to take to change their ways.

I thought we were on an upswing after winning the past two games and even more so, after reading a comment from Norv Turner explaining the new approach to the offense. They were working hard to find a style that would actually compliment the players’ strengths and blend their talent into a functioning, cohesive unit. HALLEJUAH, PRAISE BABY JESUS! HE GETS IT! I’ve been saying that for years. With this unseasoned team, you have to work with what you have instead of jamming some trendy offensive scheme down their throat; our dismal history can testify. Yet with this new philosophy in place, Shumur’s ghost seeped into Lucas Oil Stadium and the team sputtered on drives, relied too much on T-Rich to actually move the ball and the defensive unit struggled on closing gaps or man-to-man coverage.

Perhaps it’s all the injuries of our starters that have thrown us off a little. This is quickly turning into the “National Fragile League” with all the sprained ankles, broken legs, hurt shoulders, pulled groins and even mysterious bruised lungs that caused my poor Barkevious Mingo Bingo Dingo to cough up blood on Detroit’s sideline (although I have a hunch it was due to inhaling too much second-hand pot smoke from Fairley, Leshoure and Culbreath). Were the players truly worked in training camp or not enough? Are the new helmets to prevent concussions too heavy and hard, causing the players to become dangerous, bone-crunching moving weapons on the field?  I don’t recall any years before this one when so many teams had several key players fall apart in preseason games. Well, except for the Browns, of course; most of our stars are injured during training camp or fall off motorcycles with training wheels but really, it’s like all the players are 6’5″, 300 lbs of fine china. This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

While I’m not ready to write the whole season off like most Cleveland fans, I will say the game last night heightened my concern. At one point, my arms were flailing wildly like the Robot from “Lost in Space” and I was so angry, I almost turned my Browns jersey into a Will Robbinson dickey!

Chud, I can not accept this course of action. Does not compute!

xoxo

Merivious

I’ve Got 99 Problems and Being a Bitch is One!

•August 17, 2013 • 1 Comment

There are many things I wish for in life: Browns winning the Superbowl before I die, entering rehab with Kosar and Hasselfhoff as my roommates, kissing Joe Namath, tackling Trent Richardson, running Justin Bieber over repeatedly with his own custom Segway, and beating LBJ with my old “Witness” t-shirt to a bloody pulp.

I also wish I was a reporter for ESPN and the highlight of my day was to write a mindless article about King James and the police escort he needed to the Jay Z-Justin Timberlake concert last night. Most likely this was written by some intern, poorly paid to watch LBJ bullshit posts on Instagram and Twitter:

LeBron James gives assist to police

Updated: August 16, 2013, 11:07 PM ET via ESPN News Service

MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. — NBA MVP LeBron James says he needed an assist to get to a Justin Timberlake and Jay Z concert Friday night.

The Miami Heat star posted a video of him saying he was following “a police escort on the wrong side of the street” to get to the concert at Sun Life Stadium. The eight-second video shows James’ vehicle behind others with police lights flashing, as oncoming traffic on the three-lane side of the road allowed them to pass.

The video was posted to James’ social media accounts. The Heat star also tweeted about the police escort.

http://instagram.com/p/dGCeGNiTFN/#

It was unclear what law enforcement agency was providing the escort, which appeared to be taking place in the vicinity of the stadium. Traffic around much of the area was clogged because of the concert.

If I could guess, he was making this face and whining about how important it was for him to “make the triangle” for Jay-Z when he made his stage debut. The cops simply had no choice to move the cry baby to the show faster than everyone else.

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First of all, he didn’t assist the police in ANYTHING so nice misleading title. Secondly, is this really sports news worth reporting?! Another spoiled douchebag using his status to get a VIP concert route because he refuses to wait in traffic is just *cue gasp* unbelievable! Seriously ESPN is turning into the Jerry Springer of Sports Broadcasting and I almost expect to have DNA test results at the end of each article. And let’s be honest, LeBron would benefit from that since his Father’s Day cards are usually addressed to “Dear (fill in the blank).”

I feel sorry for anyone in Miami that called 9-1-1 while this super important mission was in process. “Ma’am, I realize you’re being stabbed but LeBron James doesn’t know how to tell time on his extremely expensive Rolex and was late to the Jigga and former N’Sync boy band concert; the police are needed elsewhere at this time. Please try to keep your blood loss to a minimum while he’s rushed to his reserved parking spot and private loge to enjoy an evening getting his ass kissed by everyone in the Sun-Life Stadium.”

H to the Izzo.

xoxo Merivious Mingo

 

Chip, I’m all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

•August 9, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, in your golden, fleece diapers, with your curled-up, fat, balled-up little fists pawin’ at the air, football is BACK! Pre-season games are finally happening, my NFL app is lighting up with scores, and my Fantasy Football research has begun!  I feel ….

ALIVE!!!!!!!!!

Since I’m down south where they don’t care about my beloved orange and brown, (suck it NFL Ticket, show pre-season games!!!) I’m stuck with the freaking Bengals and Atlanta tonight. Seriously, I’m about ready to go on a Kosar style bender watching Dalton. GAAAAH! When will gingers learn to avoid the color orange at all costs?!

Meanwhile, I’m enjoying the comments I’ve been receiving throughout the game:

  • “Were you just on the f’ing jumbotron? Could’ve swore they just pasted your mug up there. Go Browns!”
  • “Barkevious with the first tackle of 2013!”
  • “Are you drunk yet?! Like you need an excuse, but the Browns are playing.”
  • “Pre-season football, bitch!”
  • “Newsflash: Your team will suck like they do every year.”
  • “Do you have football wood? I do.”
  • “Where’s Phil Dawson? Oh.”
  • “Does Cleveland even still have a team?”
  • “You’re not drunk, they are actually winning.”
  • Awesome picture of a squirrel:

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I really have missed the jovial, yet somewhat questionable banter from you crazy kids.

So here’s to another year of excessive swearing, agreeing to AA and/or anger management classes but never doing it, throwing LeBron James’ mom out of your house for raiding your liquor cabinet and possibly getting your car side-swiped by a drunken Browns player (former or current) after a game!

Also, here’s to us girls being forced to games without a purse! Just when I thought Roger Goodell couldn’t be a bigger ass, he finds a way to exceed my expectations.  I can’t wait to walk into the FIRST ENERGY stadium with jazz hands, my clear plastic 12x12x6 bag filled with tampons, pills, airplane vodka bottles and Barbie sized hand grenades! The good news is that “lost and found” will skyrocket with IDs, iPhones and lipgloss so at least the stadium workers are thrilled with the potential treasure trove.

Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon’ get bumpy!

GO BROWNS!!!!

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xoxo Mervious Barkevious Mingo is my baby Dingo!

 
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